Walking the Talk

I can't upload current pictures on my laptop, so this picture is from July Yesterday I revisited the lavender fields of Warwick Furnace Farm in Glenmoore, Pennsylvania. I lent a helping hand to plant about forty five baby lavenders. I did this for so many reasons. But, most of all for peace of mind. I am not considering retirement any more. I am DOING it!!! April 28th is my last day at Vera Bradley. I have been working since age thirteen, this will be quite the adjustment. There are so many things I still want to accomplish in life. So, I am looking forward to the time. But, financially I feel like I am doomed. So, I am trying to focus on what can go right, instead of wrong. The "what ifs" are constantly taking over my brain. Planting the lavender was a great learning lesson for me. I realized after planting about three of the plants, I started thinking. What if I come back and my row didn't grow? What if the plant isn't planted deep enough, and they see it was the row I planted? I started looking at the others, and comparing what the others looked like compared to mine. Then when they started finishing a row, when I was only halfway down my row....forget it. I learned in drawing class we think mostly with our left side of brain. But, your right side is when you don't really think of what you are doing, it just gets done (driving is a good example). And, when I did that I was hard on myself, too. I realized I had taken my garden gloves off, and put my glasses on and had no idea I did that. So, again being hard on myself. So, with this realization, I know I have to get my peace of mind, back. It is going to be a lot of work. But, most of all I want to give myself credit for thinking about something I wanted to do AND DOING it. I also went with the mindset, even if it rained I had a rain jacket and was determined to follow through. And, most of all I want to approach retirement and getting older, positively. My body is determined to still do the hard things. I knew it would be a lot of getting up and down, and kneeling and I would be sore the next day. Good news is, I am not really sore at all. I also wanted to see my son play last night, and not be too tired. And, I did that, too! This is also part of a monthly goal for my "Rise and Write" class. Now, I will write a 900 word essay about my experience. The concentration will be on the owners of this slice of heaven on earth. My overall take on the day was I was treated to perfect weather. The sun was bright with a beautiful, soft, cooling breeze. There were birds chirping, and not one bug in sight. I found a few crystals, but forgot to take them. Another treat was seeing Katy, who was pregnant on my last visit. And, she planted lavender with her beautiful 7 month old baby girl Eloise on her back. Lavender doesn't peak until Mid-June but, the smell of it was in the air and very calming. Quote of the day: To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow - Audrey Hepburn Song of the day: Working on a Dream Bruce Springsteen

Roll Away Your Stone

I am pretty sure this picture is from 2008. It was from a creative retreat in Arizona. The classes were amazing. They fed my creative soul with questions and quotes. It really was a time my creativity was starting to dance in my head. It is the part of me I am struggling with the most this year. This month marks one year from when my divorce was final. I am expecting peace of mind, too quickly. Because, I am still trying to understand everything and move on. There are a couple of things I found during the time between that retreat and now that has changed. They were the written word, visual and heard words. They were Deepok Chopra and Oprah Winfrey's free 21 day challenge meditations. And, a magazine called Flow which was printed in english from the Netherlands. They both did not continue after 2020. I realized last night, that was what I was missing. So, on you tube I found some meditations with the authors I have read in the last month. And, that didn't help. Then I made a jar to go with some prompts from FLOW magazine. They are cards where you write down a good moment from the day. (the card I wrote was what I saw as I left the cemetary) I went to the cemetary yesterday for a funeral. It is the same cemetary my mom is now buried with my dad. They are all markers in the ground and very hard to find. At one time I had to ask for help, because I couldn't remember exactly where it was. I was led to an area but, again I could not figure out the numbers of how the graves were arranged. I had walked far away from my car and decided to head back and look down another row. I couldn't take it and decided I would get out the marked map( I brought my mom's which wasn't marked, it just had the number) I had at home. But, I hated that defeated feeling. As I turned to go to my car I looked down and there it was. I was overcome by emotion and wept out loud. I have been living in a land of doubt for the last few years. I really doubted my mom's name would even be on the marker. There it was......But, this sadness overcame me for so many reasons. Too many to explain in this post. But, the worst part was, I found some papers of my mom's last week, and it had her spelling of her name on her birth certificate as Mary Anna. Had I been spelling it wrong all these years? (Marianna, but everyone called her Molly). But, that is how she spelled it. So, I am left with a question. I absolutely, have no one to ask. I am realizing these little things cause me guilt, like the engraving on their memorial plaque is now wrong? Or is it, because I went by how it was signed on my homework,passport, drivers license or in her checkbook. I am SO over this guilt thing. It is a guilt trip interupting my journey to joy. It is SO much work to just BE! So, today this Good Friday of Lent 2023, I will let it be.....let it rest.....and let it rest in peace. I can not suffer with all the guilt and shame I feel. I am releasing it and filling my heart with the love of God. When I got to my car, I saw a bird flying towards a tree nearby. It was a blue bird. As I finally wiped all my tears away and stepped on the gas pedal, a butterfly appeared in the same place. My symbols of hope bringing me happiness and freedom. It is mine for the taking, now. I just have to keep my mind clear to accept it. Moral of this story....Sometimes it is the boulders in our own mind we have to roll away. But, they are heavy. And, most of the time we don't even know they are there. My boulders represent fear, anger, doubt, hopelessness, procrastination, blame, shame and suffering. I believe one of my best stregnths of empathy are causing me deep pain right now. And, I have to roll away that stone. Believe it or not, it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It means changing the deep core of ME! But, I have to start putting myself first to be able to lead a peaceful life. But, Good Friday had always been this for me. I go deep and look at my weaknesses. Empathy is a good trait, but it is one that is not good for my soul right now. I have to pursue my dreams. So, I am taking every hug and handshake from every stranger or loved one who wished me "peace be with you" and letting those words soak in deep in my heart and soul today. Quote of the day: Mark 16:1 When the Sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices, so that they might go and anoint him. And very early on the first day of the week, when the sun had risen, they went to the tomb. And they were saying to one another, “Who will roll away the stone for us from the entrance of the tomb?” And looking up, they saw that the stone had been rolled back—it was very large. And entering the tomb, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, dressed in a white robe, and they were alarmed. .. Song of the Day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O-BwV0DDUY Mumford and Sons Roll Away your Stone