Walking the Talk

I can't upload current pictures on my laptop, so this picture is from July Yesterday I revisited the lavender fields of Warwick Furnace Farm in Glenmoore, Pennsylvania. I lent a helping hand to plant about forty five baby lavenders. I did this for so many reasons. But, most of all for peace of mind. I am not considering retirement any more. I am DOING it!!! April 28th is my last day at Vera Bradley. I have been working since age thirteen, this will be quite the adjustment. There are so many things I still want to accomplish in life. So, I am looking forward to the time. But, financially I feel like I am doomed. So, I am trying to focus on what can go right, instead of wrong. The "what ifs" are constantly taking over my brain. Planting the lavender was a great learning lesson for me. I realized after planting about three of the plants, I started thinking. What if I come back and my row didn't grow? What if the plant isn't planted deep enough, and they see it was the row I planted? I started looking at the others, and comparing what the others looked like compared to mine. Then when they started finishing a row, when I was only halfway down my row....forget it. I learned in drawing class we think mostly with our left side of brain. But, your right side is when you don't really think of what you are doing, it just gets done (driving is a good example). And, when I did that I was hard on myself, too. I realized I had taken my garden gloves off, and put my glasses on and had no idea I did that. So, again being hard on myself. So, with this realization, I know I have to get my peace of mind, back. It is going to be a lot of work. But, most of all I want to give myself credit for thinking about something I wanted to do AND DOING it. I also went with the mindset, even if it rained I had a rain jacket and was determined to follow through. And, most of all I want to approach retirement and getting older, positively. My body is determined to still do the hard things. I knew it would be a lot of getting up and down, and kneeling and I would be sore the next day. Good news is, I am not really sore at all. I also wanted to see my son play last night, and not be too tired. And, I did that, too! This is also part of a monthly goal for my "Rise and Write" class. Now, I will write a 900 word essay about my experience. The concentration will be on the owners of this slice of heaven on earth. My overall take on the day was I was treated to perfect weather. The sun was bright with a beautiful, soft, cooling breeze. There were birds chirping, and not one bug in sight. I found a few crystals, but forgot to take them. Another treat was seeing Katy, who was pregnant on my last visit. And, she planted lavender with her beautiful 7 month old baby girl Eloise on her back. Lavender doesn't peak until Mid-June but, the smell of it was in the air and very calming. Quote of the day: To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow - Audrey Hepburn Song of the day: Working on a Dream Bruce Springsteen

Roll Away Your Stone

I am pretty sure this picture is from 2008. It was from a creative retreat in Arizona. The classes were amazing. They fed my creative soul with questions and quotes. It really was a time my creativity was starting to dance in my head. It is the part of me I am struggling with the most this year. This month marks one year from when my divorce was final. I am expecting peace of mind, too quickly. Because, I am still trying to understand everything and move on. There are a couple of things I found during the time between that retreat and now that has changed. They were the written word, visual and heard words. They were Deepok Chopra and Oprah Winfrey's free 21 day challenge meditations. And, a magazine called Flow which was printed in english from the Netherlands. They both did not continue after 2020. I realized last night, that was what I was missing. So, on you tube I found some meditations with the authors I have read in the last month. And, that didn't help. Then I made a jar to go with some prompts from FLOW magazine. They are cards where you write down a good moment from the day. (the card I wrote was what I saw as I left the cemetary) I went to the cemetary yesterday for a funeral. It is the same cemetary my mom is now buried with my dad. They are all markers in the ground and very hard to find. At one time I had to ask for help, because I couldn't remember exactly where it was. I was led to an area but, again I could not figure out the numbers of how the graves were arranged. I had walked far away from my car and decided to head back and look down another row. I couldn't take it and decided I would get out the marked map( I brought my mom's which wasn't marked, it just had the number) I had at home. But, I hated that defeated feeling. As I turned to go to my car I looked down and there it was. I was overcome by emotion and wept out loud. I have been living in a land of doubt for the last few years. I really doubted my mom's name would even be on the marker. There it was......But, this sadness overcame me for so many reasons. Too many to explain in this post. But, the worst part was, I found some papers of my mom's last week, and it had her spelling of her name on her birth certificate as Mary Anna. Had I been spelling it wrong all these years? (Marianna, but everyone called her Molly). But, that is how she spelled it. So, I am left with a question. I absolutely, have no one to ask. I am realizing these little things cause me guilt, like the engraving on their memorial plaque is now wrong? Or is it, because I went by how it was signed on my homework,passport, drivers license or in her checkbook. I am SO over this guilt thing. It is a guilt trip interupting my journey to joy. It is SO much work to just BE! So, today this Good Friday of Lent 2023, I will let it be.....let it rest.....and let it rest in peace. I can not suffer with all the guilt and shame I feel. I am releasing it and filling my heart with the love of God. When I got to my car, I saw a bird flying towards a tree nearby. It was a blue bird. As I finally wiped all my tears away and stepped on the gas pedal, a butterfly appeared in the same place. My symbols of hope bringing me happiness and freedom. It is mine for the taking, now. I just have to keep my mind clear to accept it. Moral of this story....Sometimes it is the boulders in our own mind we have to roll away. But, they are heavy. And, most of the time we don't even know they are there. My boulders represent fear, anger, doubt, hopelessness, procrastination, blame, shame and suffering. I believe one of my best stregnths of empathy are causing me deep pain right now. And, I have to roll away that stone. Believe it or not, it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It means changing the deep core of ME! But, I have to start putting myself first to be able to lead a peaceful life. But, Good Friday had always been this for me. I go deep and look at my weaknesses. Empathy is a good trait, but it is one that is not good for my soul right now. I have to pursue my dreams. So, I am taking every hug and handshake from every stranger or loved one who wished me "peace be with you" and letting those words soak in deep in my heart and soul today. Quote of the day: Mark 16:1 When the Sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices, so that they might go and anoint him. And very early on the first day of the week, when the sun had risen, they went to the tomb. And they were saying to one another, “Who will roll away the stone for us from the entrance of the tomb?” And looking up, they saw that the stone had been rolled back—it was very large. And entering the tomb, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, dressed in a white robe, and they were alarmed. .. Song of the Day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O-BwV0DDUY Mumford and Sons Roll Away your Stone

Joie De Vivre

Joie De Vivre....what does that mean? Websters dictionery says it is: is keen or buoyant enjoyment of life. So, this year is my year to just be. But, I can't wait for next year to be my year of Joie De Vivre. I am big on goal setting and this is the best goal I have ever set for myself. I am big on goals, because in most instances in work, family, travel and home: I have been successful in whatever I have set out to do. I have creative goals, but I have to learn to do it for my enjoyment. This is not a way to be creative to reap anything financially. But, who knows?...it could. So, I hope starting today, I can get back to my 100 day project where I am creating something french each day. I have been reading some wonderful books lately leading to some very good advice in living a creative life. It is helping me immensely, but sometimes I can't remember where I see things to reference them. But, the best thing I read this week was to create what you would think heaven on earth would be. And, then I collected about 10 photos from my phone to download on to my computer. I have not been able to do that for probably six months. I can't tell you how much joy that brought me!!! The picture I am sharing is from the lobby where I stayed in Orlando. I have a big thing with lavender these days. It is the scent of my home. And, I plan on making some things this week influenced by lavender. And, I just thought how the lavender and the picture behind it was as impactful as fireworks in a night sky. The image really affects my mood and makes me feel happy. So, cheers to joie de vivre. It's pouring rain outside, but I am going to do my best on my day off today to make it heavenly. (and I have a dentist appointment lol) Song of the day: Follow that Dream Bruce Springsteen Quote of the day: “Joie de vivre is an attitude. It’s a decision you make to live a life of joy. It’s an invitation to this dance called life. All you have to do is leave the door slightly ajar and listen for the music.” — Jamie Cat Callan

Just Be

I would think with the goal of just being it would be easy for myself. But, the last few weeks it made me realize how much of a battle I have going on in my head. The strive for perfection and happiness is ongoing. The reality of working and having creative time is still my main struggle. So, I wasn't hard on myself, and got myself through it. I fell short on my goals of my 100 day project. And, I am slowly getting back on board to create something french each day. I never thought that irish side (which is full of self doubt) would take over. But, it did and that is ok. It was fun and it was fun to celebrate my irish heritage. The last two days I have been puttering around the house. Just being, for me, is living in the moment. And, I have been worrying about my future. So, I took some time to look at my pictures on my computer. My computer also has been acting up. It asks for passwords constantly and I didn't have access to my photos for weeks. And, then like magic the pictures came up again. My memory is full(on my computer and my brain lol), so the cloud is locking me out of everything, I guess. But, I had to see my life in pictures to gain some perspective. When did I start visiting sunflower fields, and sharing quotes about pursuing happiness? When did I create the patio as a happy place and planting morning glorys? I was feeling more optimistic about life as ever, back then. And, for some reason I want to get back to that place in my life. And, just feel more secure and comfortable with my life and future. So, with Spring coming I am buying seeds and planning container gardens with the 3 feet from my house I can garden. I am feeling hopeful, but fear is a real issue. I am REALLY afraid of retiring. And, I think I don't have to. But, work has been a struggle for me. And, when I think about retiring, I can't even imagine it yet. It was a struggle for me to just have two days off, with no appointments etc. So, I am happy to let this french girl in, again. With, her creative endeavors I could go places I never imagined. I could be visiting the South of France and fulfilling my dream of a carefree and peaceful life. And, then write and paint it. I have a dream, and I just have to get over the self doubt. So, that is what my 100 day project is all about. So, it wasn't done perfectly each day. I will start again. I will take that attitude of a sunflower, I learned from in 2017, and move forward. I will just be. The songs I am picking came with some serendipity yesterday. I bought a Lumineers record on a whim. I decided to play it yesterday, while completing my closet door. And, this song came on, which I love. I googled the lyrics and found out it was a Talking Heads song. I have listened and loved that song forever! And, the Lumineers playing was like I was hearing a brand new song. For, some reason I just love when I learn something new about music. I love this song, and even though it references another person, it really is religous for me. Because, for me it references the presence of God and light in my life. I am in a dark place in my life, yet I feel the spirit and precense of light and love all the time. It is my comfort, and I am so surprised by this feeling. But, most of all I am as happy as that sunflower pictured. And, I am going to spend more time dreaming of seeing sunflower fields in the south of France. Song of the Day: This Must Be the Place The Talking Heads This Must Be the Place The Lumineers Quote of the Day: “The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” – Maya Angelou

It's A Small World

Embracing the small world we live in is so important to me as I get older. And, really understanding the connection we can feel in person. This is not by sitting home watching TV. But, by getting outside and meeting and talking to people. Not really my favorite thing to do. But, realizing with most people I meet, now, there is something in common to share or learn from. March is women's history month. It was exciting to visit Walt Disney World last month. It was the first time by myself, to enjoy and pay attention to some things in the park I really appreciate. I went into the Contempory by monarail. And, walked around the mural by Mary Blair that takes up the circumference on all the floors in the center of the building. I took pictures of some of the characters, with the bunny being the most memorable. Since, it is the year of the bunny, too. And, there were probably three different people I met along the way, and the conversation ended with: "It's a small world". In the scope of things, it really isn't. But, the fact that our country can give so much attention to outer space and the future. It does make it feel small. Each month I have been giving attention to different aspects of my life. I draw the conclusion at the end of the month. So, far January was about perspective, and February was putting love over fear. I am not too sure what March is yet. But, I have a feeling it will be about moving forward. I pay a lot of attention to women artists in March. And, I am so glad to share Mary Blair as the first Artist to share. She was definitely a break through Artist for the early 60's. It was still very male dominated. But, what I love is the world she created. It was cute, but it also held the cubism of modern art. And, it was about light in the shapes, mosaic, sculptural and was set to music. Water is even involved as it is a boat ride to enjoy the whole work. Each day I spend appreciating all the world has to offer is a good day. I am grateful this is how I wake up, and take some time to give attention to what the computer can bring to my fingertips. Looking forward to spending more time outside as the weather is starting to get warmer, and sunshine fills the air. Quote of the day: “You get an education in school and in college. And then you start to work. and that’s when you learn!” Mary Blair Song of the Day: What a Wonderful World Louis Armstrong

We Are Alive

I would have loved to have shared this picture two years ago after it was taken. But, it was taken a few days before my life turned to turmoil and fast changes. I was working really hard at the time on my well being. It was lent and I was in Atlantic City by myself. That year I had to really find myself. I was mourning the loss of my mother. I was trying to figure out what direction to take as far as a job. I just did my taxes the other day. And, even though I only worked three months of 2021, last year I made just the same amount of money. I am thinking a lot about retiring. There are so many reasons I would love to have more time and not be so stressed. I have been making sure to take some paid time off this year, and each week it makes work more bearable. The one good thing it is making time fly by. But, as I am getting older, there are so many things I still want to attempt. I am afraid of too much time getting away from me. One of my favorite things I found through a friend on facebook is Maria Shriver's weekly essay. It comes to my email each week. It is called the Sunday Paper. I find I can relate to her. And, she always hits the nail on the head with something I am struggling with. But, this paragraph stood out. ( My year to Be 2023 ) : "Listening in and of itself is an art form. It takes patience. It requires us to be quiet, refrain from offering our two cents, and just be." I am also making sure the last two years I am feeling all of my feelings. Sounds, a little strange. But, during the last five years or so, I was paying attention to how much I was surpressing and repressing. And, that is my biggest stregnth. But, I know with going forward, I needed to face myself and deal with every single little thing to move forward. And, being alone, by myself and having lots of quiet time allows me to do that. I am looking forward to today, to get a lot more creative things done in my home. And, I am probably going to be going through pictures. But, they have been giving me more joy then grief lately. Especially, all that I am learning about my dad and his ancestors. Quote of the day: “Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive.” —Charlotte Brontë Song of the Day: We Are Alive Bruce Springsteen

The Art of Being

Next Saturday I will be participating in a Vendor Show at St. Paul's Church (near the firehouse) on Herbertsville Road. I will be bringing sachets made from April Cornell fabric and lavender buds from this field. This picture was taken at Pleasant Valley Lavender in Morganville (north of Delicious Orchards off of rt 34). Little did I kno in June of last year, life would become a whirlwind of moving again. I am so glad I am still participating in the Rise and Write class. It is very inspiring and motivating. I talked about the book by Rick Rubins called "The Creative Act" and said that I would include the 10 Rules of Success for finding Purpose and Happiness. Here they are: 1. Do what makes you happy 2. Overcoming self doubt (dance with it) 3. Take charge of your life. Do what you love 4. Work with experts (have help) 5. Be Authentic 6. Learn to Express yourself 7. Unleash the Artist within you (we are all Artists) 8. Practice Meditation 9. Be Patient 10. Break the Patterns that hold you back and not have you move forward WOW!!! it is like I now have a field guide to my journey to joy. Because, I may do these things and start wondering why???? And the biggest is vulnerability??? And, he helps understand this part of ourselves. It had been a BIG push for me in the right direction. I hope you will come see me or look at my website: https://tradesofhope.com/geralyngray I love that is on March 4th (march forth). I am marching forward in life, and it feels good. Quote of the week: Rick Rubins: “Everything happens kind of the way it’s supposed to happen, and we just watch it unfold. And you can’t control it. Looking back, you can’t say, ‘I should’ve… ‘ You didn’t, and had you, the outcome would have been different.” Song of the Day: Carly Simon "Let the River Run"