Just Be

I would think with the goal of just being it would be easy for myself. But, the last few weeks it made me realize how much of a battle I have going on in my head. The strive for perfection and happiness is ongoing. The reality of working and having creative time is still my main struggle. So, I wasn't hard on myself, and got myself through it. I fell short on my goals of my 100 day project. And, I am slowly getting back on board to create something french each day. I never thought that irish side (which is full of self doubt) would take over. But, it did and that is ok. It was fun and it was fun to celebrate my irish heritage. The last two days I have been puttering around the house. Just being, for me, is living in the moment. And, I have been worrying about my future. So, I took some time to look at my pictures on my computer. My computer also has been acting up. It asks for passwords constantly and I didn't have access to my photos for weeks. And, then like magic the pictures came up again. My memory is full(on my computer and my brain lol), so the cloud is locking me out of everything, I guess. But, I had to see my life in pictures to gain some perspective. When did I start visiting sunflower fields, and sharing quotes about pursuing happiness? When did I create the patio as a happy place and planting morning glorys? I was feeling more optimistic about life as ever, back then. And, for some reason I want to get back to that place in my life. And, just feel more secure and comfortable with my life and future. So, with Spring coming I am buying seeds and planning container gardens with the 3 feet from my house I can garden. I am feeling hopeful, but fear is a real issue. I am REALLY afraid of retiring. And, I think I don't have to. But, work has been a struggle for me. And, when I think about retiring, I can't even imagine it yet. It was a struggle for me to just have two days off, with no appointments etc. So, I am happy to let this french girl in, again. With, her creative endeavors I could go places I never imagined. I could be visiting the South of France and fulfilling my dream of a carefree and peaceful life. And, then write and paint it. I have a dream, and I just have to get over the self doubt. So, that is what my 100 day project is all about. So, it wasn't done perfectly each day. I will start again. I will take that attitude of a sunflower, I learned from in 2017, and move forward. I will just be. The songs I am picking came with some serendipity yesterday. I bought a Lumineers record on a whim. I decided to play it yesterday, while completing my closet door. And, this song came on, which I love. I googled the lyrics and found out it was a Talking Heads song. I have listened and loved that song forever! And, the Lumineers playing was like I was hearing a brand new song. For, some reason I just love when I learn something new about music. I love this song, and even though it references another person, it really is religous for me. Because, for me it references the presence of God and light in my life. I am in a dark place in my life, yet I feel the spirit and precense of light and love all the time. It is my comfort, and I am so surprised by this feeling. But, most of all I am as happy as that sunflower pictured. And, I am going to spend more time dreaming of seeing sunflower fields in the south of France. Song of the Day: This Must Be the Place The Talking Heads This Must Be the Place The Lumineers Quote of the Day: “The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” – Maya Angelou