We Are All Stars

We are all stars and want to shine brightly, even sometimes when we are surrounded by darkness. So, my favorite holiday is approaching.....Valentine's Day. And, I can either be haunted by memories, or make new Valentine's Day memories. And, as it is fast approaching my mind keeps changing as how to approach it. Well, I am going to fill as many of the voids in my life, as soon as possible. I want to feel love as a good feeling. This I said since the beginning is the hardest for me. Because, when all of this happened I was processing my feelings of being parentless. I was getting used to not having my biggest cheerleader in my corner. The loss of my mom, still leaves a big hole in my heart. Then the divorce part I prefer not to pay too much attention to, especially in my writing. Then the loss of the comfort and security of leaving my home of thirteen years. These all stir in a terrific amount of anger. The cost monitarily and keeping sane has been challenging, to say the least. But, new year and the goal is to just be. Well, the bottom line is I have this part of me that feels if I put myself in vulnerable positions, I am going to triumph and feel stronger by overcoming some kind of challenge. But, I learned my biggest lesson about vulnerabilty this week and it is how we grow. And, it goes back to childhood, especially when it comes to our parents. Because, parents don't want to see you hurt. But, sometimes they have their own sheild of armor because they are protecting themselves from hurt they have felt. I was taught at a young age to avoid confrotation, and basically home is where you felt protected and cared for. But, the part of me that wants to be a painter or writer. Where does that come from? And, I am not too sure if I am more afraid of being a success or a failure at it. So, this all is totally going against my year goal to just "be". But, yesterday I went to New Jersey State Museum and it was so good to put things in perspective. Most of all it gave me time to be with the spirit of my dad. His ancestors put roots in New Jersey in the 1600's. And the museum really gave me perspective on the state of my world. It gave me perspective on the economics, environment and culture of the world today. And, how fast the last few years are in changing compared to when our country was founded. I have a big interest in indigenous crafts. And, to see all the businesses and technology that were invented in our state is amazing. We are a land of life changers and like I said we are all stars. I don't feel anyone shines brighter then another. I feel sometimes your light is not available to others, because we each have vulnerabilities. So, I had some huge break throughs in what I want to title my book and the vision of the cover. And, best of this whole thing is about changing my name. The bottom line it is a big pain in the ass. It messes with my head and my memory blah blah blah. But, my maiden name is Stelle, so this would be my pen name. Stelle I was told by someone in high school means star. And, one of my favorite things to do when I was younger was to just lay down and look at the stars. The Museum of New Jersey has a planetarium and I saw the 3pm show and it was amazing. Like always, something I am inspired by has a rock and roll connection. And, it was about Voyager, which ironically was happening when I was eighteen. That tender age of wonder of how the future of my life would play out. But, I forgot there was the Chuck Berry Song "Johnny Be Good" playing in space during this time. This is when perspective is put into play. But, it just filled me with a huge amount of awe (whice I am conditioned to need from time to time to help my mood). But, with hope and appreciation for the future. And, to growing old. That is my goal.....I want to not only get old, but grow old gracefully, indepentally and happily. Quote of the day: Dance like nobody is watching. Love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening. Live like it's heaven on earth. Mark Twain Song of the Day: Ghosts Bruce Springsteen