So much.....

It will be a year since I started my job at Vera Bradley. My life had changed in an instant the Tuesday after Father's Day in June. Mediation started between Glen and I. We immediately went to work to sell the house. It was best we couldn't be in the house at the same time. And, then one meeting Glen said he didn't want to sell. Which meant I had to move out. The feelings and emotions this brought on were unbearable and strong. I fought like hell (in my mind) to rise above and go on and live the best life I know how. So, much has changed. But, as much as I am trying to avoid not feeling these feelings, a year later they are still there. The last week I have been up and down and struggling with it all. I feel ultimately happy, but still can't believe what got me to where I am today. The last few days at work have been long and busy. And, I have been closing at night and getting really tired. Last night I decided to take a walk to read at the beach, and end the day with an ice cream. It was the most perfect night with the sun setting, mild temperatures, low humidity and a slight breeze. I was going to go to Waves around the corner. It is a little place under a Bed and Breakfast, and serves Hoffman's ice cream. When I passed the bulletin board I saw there was an ice cream social by the auditorium. So, I walked there instead, and sat by myself at an ice cream social. A nice friend from facebook stopped by my table to say hello. I was happy to leave and take some pictures during the sunset. But, then ran into a friend from when I was in Chamber of Commerce of Ocean Grove. We chatted and I ended up seeing the Buster Keaton movie in the Auditorium with her and her family. Thank God, because if you hear the backround of the picture that is included, you will understand why. The movie was accompanied by a gentleman who makes a living by playing backround music for silent movies. And, he played the giant organ in the auditorium. It just was such a lovely night. But, this week I really was feeling lonely and meloncoly. So, I fell asleep fairly well and woke up at 4:15. When I wake up at this time it is really hard to fall asleep. So, I tossed and turned for a bit, when I heard a huge crash outside. I just knew it was going to be my car that got smashed to pieces. I looked out the window, and was so grateful, it was down towards the ocean more. I could see the gleam of the crushed metal of the car. It was quiet except for the car alarms going off. I could hear some distant talking, and the police arrived shortly after. And, the lights blinking filled my room and the sounds of big fire and tow trucks filled the air. It gave me a long time to think and pray. First for anyone involved and those who responded. Then it was for me, my car, and my present situation. I began counting my blessings and all that I am thankful for. Which is a LOT! But, honestly it put me in touch with an unexplainable feeling. I seem to hear music and familiar songs at the exact same time I need to. The people singing the music on the boardwalk were a few benches away. Usually, I would enjoy that. But, they were singing Elton John's "I am Still Standing" and I thought I should be gleefully humming along. But, no I feel why do have to feel like I am.....but, I am not. Then, the organ player playing the music to a silent movie. Then this thing that goes on in my head. I was reminded of when I would hear discussions of people who were taking philosophy in high school and they would have to answer the question: "If a tree fell in the woods and no one was there to hear it, did it make a sound". And, then there was the sound of the crash this morning and everything that went with it. Then there was the sound of silence. And, then the sound of the first car that went down the street, as if nothing had ever happened. Thanks for following along....I hope this post is helping me process my feelings. It usually does, but I awoke this morning to write and this is what came out. Song of the Day: Elton John I'm Still Standing Quote of the Day: “I Go Down To The Shore I go down to the shore in the morning and depending on the hour the waves are rolling in or moving out, and I say, oh, I am miserable, what shall— what should I do? And the sea says in its lovely voice: Excuse me, I have work to do.” ― Mary Oliver, A Thousand Mornings: Poems