Just Believe

I have been watching Maria Shriver's videos on radical aging. I am grateful to a facebook friend who shared it. And, I am loving it! It is helping me with a lot of answers and solutions to excactly what I am feeling and questioning. So, the bottom line is life is a mystery. But, it is our belief system that is our guide through life. And, it is ultimately up to us to get through this life with hope, faith and most of all love. Love is key. As, we are approaching the holidays it is important to look forward to making new memories. And, not feeling like the best memories are in the past. I remember feeling this way approaching and during the holidays at the empty nest time in my life. This is when I opened my store, and the holiday memories created in Convention Hall were nothing like I could ever imagined. So, who knows what is in store for me in the future. I do know having a grandson makes me feel love in a whole new way. Having a new home and creating a cozy environment is helping me feel optimistic, too. Working today on Halloween really gets me in the spirit of the holiday. I haven't had one trick or treater visit where I have lived for twelve years! So, at the store we will have hundreds! And, we are ready. I hope to share some live video of the fun today. Hope you have a Happy Halloween! Quote of the day: You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. Steve Jobs Song of the day: The Promised Land Bruce Springsteen I need two today!!! Badlands by Bruce Springsteen

Still Curious

Still wondering.....questioning.....with a mind full of thoughts,if I am moving forward? I wonder if a year is long enough to know if I should feel any differently. I, of course, am granting myself more time to move through this muddy situation. But, I am getting tired of it all. I want and invite all the feelings I am feeling. But, I can't understand how day in and day out, I can't quiet all of the memories or fear of the future. So, I took some time off of writing and social media to see if it would help. It really didn't. I still scroll to see if I will read the right quote, linger on an ispiring place to travel or listen to a video to help me cope. I am so glad I could take a vacation and not think about work or moving. But, just one week back to work and packing on my days off and time is flying by. I am grateful each day, I know I am capable of doing all of this. I am hoping I can give myself an answer sometime soon. I know most of all, I want my security back. Now, I just need to feel secure. I have to stop the worst case scenario way of thinking. I have to be prepared in case something happens to my job, my car, my teeth, my overall health, and learn how to relax again. My attention span has made me not even able to focus on a tv show without picking up the computer or phone. I am looking for something. I guess I am looking for answers. And, the conclusion to that is what I learned when my life changed and I moved out of my home a year ago. Life is a mystery. So, yes be curious, but just live every day and enjoy it. I really have approached all of this with the least amount of stress as possible. And, I think what I was learning yesterday, as I got more and more stressed, was scrolling on my phone and watching tv relaxes me. So, what did I do I bought a tv and tried to do the cable myself. It didn't work, because there was a cable missing. So, on my way to Staples I try to get the cable while I try to get something printed. Then the amount of stress to just put in a order for printing, forces me to just print it at home (at my own cost). And, then I went to get bubble wrap to make packing easier. I pick out the least expensive and it rings up double the cost. So, I walked out of Staple's empty handed. This morning I am approaching this all with curiosity. What can I do to help myself. And, the bottom line is for me to just get through this week, and do as much as possible to stay stress free. Write down my thoughts, and go from here. Hang on, but let go! Celebrate all the wins I have had in this year. And, forget about the rest.......but, right now I realize my biggest fear is forgetting. So, the struggle is real, and this time I might have to think about making some changes in my life. I am too hard on myself. But, I have to figure out how to simplify it for next year. Because, I never felt I have enough time. I am always in a hurry. So much so, it takes a great effort NOT to forget to eat. So, maybe it is about time I make another change in how I spend my time.

Angel Eyes

I had such a great vacation. It started with a fundraiser for Little Steven's Teach Rock fundraiser at the Stone Pony. And, ended at the Bethesda fountain in Central Park during a Photo Walk. I chose the title Angel Eyes because of a song Little Steven wrote. It was one of the first songs performed by Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes at their Labor Day Show at the Stone Pony. The next day after visiting Central Park I saw a post that the Little Steven Disciples of Soul first album was celebrating it's 40th Anniversary. And, the photos for the album cover were taken at the very spot this picture was taken. And, then I wondered if the song was written about the Fountain. But, I don't think it was. I really needed this vacation and was happy to have the time to spend in Conneticut with my neices. The drive home from Conneticut ended up very stressful waiting in traffic for two hours to go three miles on an empty tank of gas! But, I made it off the bridge and to Little Ferry to fill my tank. Also, very happy there was a very convenient White Castle to calm my nerves. But, the best part was seeing the New York skyline at sunset. All the buildings were glowing in silver. And, there are some very tall slim buildings that popped up quickly. I kept on wondering when they were finished and what they were for. I was so surprised when we landed at Columbus Circle on Sunday for the photo walk it was exactly where the new buildings are. The Plaza Hotel was in front of them and now seems so small. Today I think I will share some of my favorite pictures from the photo walk with some music. I love vacations to look forward to and to look back at the great memories created.

Rising Up

This picture says a lot. To say a picture is worth a thousand words is an understatement. This one is worth a million or more. But, it shows a lot of determination on my part. It was taken on the porch of where we stayed in Taxco, Mexico. It was the last family trip we ever took. And, the first trip we took out of the country. I was thirteen, my sister was sixteen and my brother was seventeen. It meant a lot to my father to have this trip with us. My mother not so much. My dad was buying a lot of onyx for his business so he was happy. My sister and I were on the search the whole time for perfect embroidered shirts and never found them. The altitude didn't agree with my brother, and he kept on getting bloody noses. We went to Mexico City, Taxco and Acalpulco. It had a big impact on my attitude as you can see. I knew I was being raised in a beautiful town. But, Mexico was so different as far as housing. It made me appreciate the fact our home was on a block with grass, gardens and a sidewalk to ride my bike. It also was a time I wasn't eating much, and every time I would start to eat something. My mom would say something like: I bet that burger is from the bullfight we saw yesterday or the chicken was from an iguana we just saw crawling on a nearby dirt road. It was a time for me to grow up, and it really made me appreciate the life I had. The hardest part of the trip was seeing all the needy begging for you to buy gum, or throw them money to dive into the water for. It was heartbreaking. It is ironic we ended up in Mexico about five years ago to have our last trip as a family. And, I ended up appreciating the vendors more. Instead of feeling sorry for them, I really appreciated their handwork to make a living. Lately, I have been studying the different regions and what they are known for making. I also appreciated their devotion to God. Most churches had a big square in front. And, you would see patrons on their knees praying with rosaries. And, they would approach the church while still kneeling. I saw funeral marches where they carried candles and let the hot wax drip down their hands. I saw a lot of suffering of humanity. But, at the same time there were so many bright colors on clothing, and on their arts and crafts. I remember my mom really wanting to go to one place in particular. It was called Xochimilco. I found a picture she took and have kept it out. It is a river where they have boat rides and the boats were covered in flowers. But, when she walked up she was so disappointed. Because, it wasn't the bright colors she had expected. She also bought a clay pot she fell in love with at the airport. My dad tried to talk her out of buying it. She bought it and proudly held in on her lap all the way home on the airplane. She held it all the way home in the car, and I believe that was the time we rode home from Newark in a terrible ice storm. And, as she carried it into the house, the clay pot broke to pieces on the stairs. Too many piece to glue back together. She entered the house with her head down in defeat, and it was during that time, not much in life made her look up. I was taking the time to feel all the feels last year when I was at home for nine months. I wanted to sort through paper work and pictures, and it was all too hard. So, as I am approaching moving again. I am sorting, shredding and going through a lot. And, it has been easier for me. They call when your children our grown an empty nest. I knew I would have a hard time. So, that is when I also had a job loss, and opened my store. It did help to fill that void. So, there is no name of what I have been going through. But, on my own I came up with my journey to joy. And, there wasn't much joy going through a divorce. But, there is a ton of joy, when you have a grandchild, find a purpose, and approach life with curiosity. Free as a butterfly. And, this is the time of year butterflies migrate to Mexico. I think I will take this year to do more research places to visit in Mexico. I would love to see Frida's blue house in Mexico City, butterfly sanctuaries, and studios where clay manger (nativity) scenes were made. I had quite a collection from visits to Mexico. But, they have been lost for a long time. P.S. forward to..... December 9,2022 I didn't share this post, so now I want to add to it. I have settled into my new place. I am getting more rest, but still have bouts of sleepless nights. I am realizing I really need a vacation to look forward to, and have been struggling to find one that is right for me. Two days ago I opened my computer and Trades of Hope which I had joined in May 2020 is offering a trip to Guatemala in August, 2023. It is exactly what I want and need. I want to visit places and meet people who are making a living creating indigenous crafts. And, Guatemala weaving, embroidery and ceramics are a lot like Mexico. But, learning about how each of the regions create different stories of family history in their work. I have been reading so much about it, and watching videos. This is exactly what I want to do. So, I signed up for Trades of Hope, and so thankful to have had an order already after posting. Thank you Patty! I will try to keep my sharing on my Journey to Joy page. I will have live videos, some parties, and pop up shops. Here is the link for my shop. What I love is it is available anytime to purchase on. You don't have to wait for a party. But, if you are interested in earning free products, please let me know. Quote of the day: "Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly?" Frida Kahlo Song of the day: The Family Madrigal from Encanto

Wishes

I believe in wishes coming true. And, I really appreciate my nieces making birthday wishes come true for me. And, at lunch with them (which was outstanding) realizing how lucky my life is. Because. my family and those I was surrounded with most of my life wanted to make my wishes come true. I have lived a very charmed life. Owning and decorating three homes. And, this year I get to decorate my fourth. It is my favorite thing to do creatively. I am inspired by so much this year, it is hard to focus on color choices. But, I always stay conservative, to keep the resale value. I loved having a dollhouse, and seeing how when I decorated my house, that is what came through. So, it was a great day seeing the minature world of fairies this year at the Florence Griswold Museum. I got my Halloween costume early this year. I walked the whole exhibit as a butterfly. It was silly and super fun. My nieces humored me with "your wish is my command" attitudes. I demanded a lot of photographs, and was so happy they obliged. This year also had butterflys and fairy villages inspired by different artists. This butterfly (I am pictured with) was inspired by Yayoi Yayoi Kusauma. My goal is to see one of her installations in person. I missed out a couple of times in the last few years. I admire her story. I also admire her working harder then ever, and she is in her 90's. She has an amazing imagination full of polka dots, and we are lucky she is still sharing it with the world. Quote of the day: “Because my mother was so vehemently against my becoming an artist, I became emotionally unstable and suffered a nervous breakdown. It was around this time, or in my later teens, that I began to receive psychiatric treatment. By translating hallucinations and fear of hallucinations into paintings, I have been trying to cure my disease.” Yayoi Kusama Song of the day: Wishes from Walt Disney World fireworks display

Big News: Hippie Wanna Be turns 63

It's my birthday! And, I am happy! The last year has been like peeling an onion. I experienced ups and downs and all arounds. But, last year on my birthday was my first sunrise I ever witnessed. And, it didn't happen until I was 62. It was a euphoric experience, that actually stunned me. It was so exciting to see the sun appear and filled my body with warmth and almost a feeling of electrical charges going through me. As I was just pushed out of my home, because of a divorce, this good feeling was surprising to me. I had been in my place for 13 days, and could't even raise the blinds to let the light in. The mediation was progressing. But, after thirty nine years of marriage I was angry.....really angry. So, this feeling was a complete surprise. I talked to my sister that day. And, I tried to process some feelings I had with anger from the way I grew up. I said I grew up too fast didn't I? I was the baby of the family. But, I was determined to be independent and grown up at about the age of eight. My mom had also went on strike that year. So, making sure my blouse for school was ironed, badges put on my girl scout sash, white gloves for inspection (girl scouts) were clean, shoes were polished, walked home from school and made my peanut butter sandwich each day, and worked for my dad on weekends. On my fourteenth birthday my mom asked me what I wanted. I said a new bed with linens I pick out. And, she said that is too expensive. We went back and forth and I said it was nice having a bunk bed for friends to sleep over, but I wanted a real mattress with a box spring, so I could sleep better. She agreed as long as I paid for half. So, we went to Sears and I picked everything out. I was a chambermaid at the Warren Hotel and saved up my money. When I was picking out things from my mom's apartment to keep before she went to live in continuing care, I found the pillowcase I paid half for forty some years ago. I will be putting it on my pillow when I move to my new place in a few weeks. I hope I sleep like a baby. This morning I awoke at 4:12 (my old house number in Spring Lake). So, I have been processing my past, but not living in it. And, this is my biggest triumph, because I am getting to the point, where I am over it. I just want to move forward, and live happily ever after. And, in a years time, I am well on my way! Quote of the day: “It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security.” ― Anne Morrow Lindbergh Song of the day: Surprise Surprise Bruce Springsteen The picture is a self portrait I did in the beginning of 2021. I found a picture Kaylyn had cut for her Senior Thesis, she did not use. It is so important now, because of what I went through in 2021......struggling with the loss of my mom, loss of a job I loved, isolation because of covid, a husband who was not talking to me, and then I was cracked open like an egg when I found out the day after Father's Day my husband was cheating on me with a married woman. I love this quote but this is no uphill battle any more for me. It is such a better feeling of walking downhill. So much easier to carry everything down the stairs now. Such a better feeling, once I move I don't have to move again. I am feeling brighter and lighter with each day!

The Memory Keeper

I took this picture while my hair was still wet before I walked to Sea Hear Now. Today is my first real FREE day in I don't know how long. And, my mind is full of thoughts as I try to figure out how to spend it. I have slowed down bringing things to my new condo, because I am pulling up the carpet to put in new vinyl flooring. It is my birthday week. I have been going through my mom's pictures. And, my brother's birthday was the 9th, sister's the 10th, and my mom's was the 11th. I also have good friends who share my mom's birthday, I should have called. I should have called my sister, because she has been calling me every Tuesday for a year. I told her last week I would call her this week, because I didn't get a card in the mail. Oh gosh, then all the negative thoughts of guilt come rolling in. I also am still in a turmoil in all the stuff I still have. So, as I approach my birthday tomorrow, I am going to try to be easy on myself. I have a fun couple days planned. And, I really enjoyed the last few days fitting a lunch out yesterday. I was joined by a friend and I had the Great Pumpkin pancakes at Turning Point. It was free from joining thier site. I can't wait to have the leftovers today. It was so good, and the pumpkin chai was delightful. I hope to take a walk on the beach today, and do some artwork. It just is really nice, to not have to move or pack anything. I am really realizing how long of a loss it was for my mom and brother. When you have relatives who have alzhiemers and dementia, you lose them way before they die. And, your relationship changes as they change. To say the last ten years has been hard would be an understatement. I just have to learn how to move on and not think of it so much. It does feel good to move forward. But, the birthday thing with my family, all but my dad, born in the same week has always been a challenge. We never really celebrated all together as a family. And, it really becomes sad, when I think of it too much. So, onward and focusing on celebrating my birthday with my nieces tomorrow.