Craving to Create

This picture of me is a foreshadowing of my future. It was taken in Arizona when I first went on art retreats with a friend. The name of the retreat is on my shirt and it was called a Creative Escape. I am also wearing a Vera Bradley purse. It was part of the Hope series where part of the proceeds went to their breast cancer fund. I was in a magical store, where most items were shabby chic, victorian and there was a vast array of art and scrapbook supplies. When my children were in high school I started scrapbooking regularly on Sunday nights with a couple of friends. Yesterday, I was watching a morning news show. I can't think of the book or the author. But, he was telling about the common thread of creative people. He interviewed many artists including comedians. And, he said that most artists had some kind of trauma where out of something horrific came something good. Lately, I am craving to be creative. There is definitely a pattern for me when I feel this way. It goes back to early childhood for me. Luckily, I had a mother who made sure I always had a new box of crayons. I always got a spin art kit, embroidery kit, lite brite or some kind of gift I could be creative with. And, I would make do with what I had. My favorite cardboard to work on was from my dad's shirts when they came back from the cleaner. And, we lived on the same block as a printing press, so I would go through their garbage and find the best paper to draw on. When I got into my car yesterday to face the daunting task of moving out of my house for ten years, this song I am sharing today. When I would listen to this song when I was seventeen, I wasn't usually in a creative state. But, I would wonder how someone so young could write so many words I could relate to and feel. Seventeen was definitely not a time I had to be creative. Actually, most years growing up it was school, working in a restaurant, and babysitting that kept me busy. Last year was really the first year I could dive into a creative life and do something each day. It was very ironic I got my work to be approved to be sold in a store and then my married life came crashing down on me. It was the very same day. I had an appointment to bring my work to the store the next week. I brought everything and had to sign a contract for how I would get paid. I brought it to them with shelves they could display it with. I didn't sign the contract. I just said it is yours. I don't care if I see a dime from it. I know I am going to have to move out of my house soon, and I can't stand the sight of it all. She took it and I was thankful. So, this feeling of wanting to create again is weighing me down. When I write in the morning I wake up with the feeling of having to write. But, it is in the computer. When I want to create I have to have the supplies, and the space, and the idea of what to do with it next. I made and sold over one thousand greeting cards when we had the store in Asbury Park. And, I had no idea it was that many until I placed my third order of blank cards one summer. I was working full time commuting to Woodbridge, and when I started counting, it was at least one hundred a month I was selling. I had not a clue. I have a hard time validating myself. But, I can tell you I loved making those cards. They were copies of old postcards from my dad's collection and I would glitter them. When sorting through all of my "stuff", I am wanting to throw most of it out or donate. But, there is a part of me that craves creating again. With all the flea markets and craft shows in Ocean Grove, I should be able to sell again. I don't want that pattern in my life, again. So, I have decided to just try it this year, and then maybe it will be out of my system. I just want to use up all of the supplies I have on hand. I wouldn't dare buy anymore. And, most of all the take of yesterday was the music I heard on the radio as I drove to my house to get a car load, and take it to Madonna House in Neptune to donate. Each one had a comforting message. I have to start writing them down. But, this one from Jackson Browne is one of my favorites from the Late from the Sky album. I never heard it on the radio before. The last time I probably heard it was forty five years ago. The next song on the radio was Silver Lining from First Aid Kit. And, as each day passes I am feeling the silver linings more then the clouds......thank God!!!! Quote of the day: "There's a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen Song of the day: "Song for a Dancer" Jackson Browne Late for the sky

Listening to the Birds Sing

I go back and forth in my writing. I am taking a class on writing accountability. So, I am focused on what I envision of a book some day. But, then I lose out on daily journaling which helps me heal from loss. Last year I learned so much from creating something for 100 days straight. I focused on whatever I made to be blue and white. It was the closest I have ever gotten to who I am. Seeing my faults and embracing them. I was learning what I needed to go forward and not backwards. I was realizing I felt quite vulnerable and insecure. But, then I wanted to jump into something that made me feel vulnerable, instead of just being happy with myself. I realized I had a lot of empathy for others. And, I always thought it was a good trait. But, then I realized I was betraying myself by having too much empathy for others. So, with all that has happened to end my self discovery journey. I am back at it. And, it is much easier to focus on myself, when I am by myself. The goal for me during this time is to feel everything and not avoid all the bad feelings. So, as time goes by the good feelings are outweighing the bad feelings. And, I am going forward by being kind to myself. And, soaking in all the kindness others have shown me. I am grateful. Last night I decided to go to a Hallmark store. And, this may sound really wierd, but I looked at greeting cards and bought some for myself. I read and bought about ten cards that I really needed to hear the words spoken in the card. I have been following this Artist and she has accomplished what I was trying to accomplish. Last year I bought an Ipad and Procreate and wanted to start making affirmation art. Not just for myself, but I thought others would enjoy it too. Her Art and words are speaking softly and sweetly to me. I am really relating to her. And, so I went to the Hallmark website to read more about her. Her name is Morgan Harper Nichols and you can read about her here. And, what I found was how many times the word empathy was used. But, most of all she makes me feel brave. She has lived half as many years as me. But, I feel she is twice as much wiser than me. I admire her SO much! But, I am really getting excited to get my art supplies out and creating again! I would love to feel in June that I can pick up where I left off last year. I am super inspired by where I am working and living! I just hope this feeling continues and I can follow through with all I want to do. Quote of the day: "Choosing to have joy is not naively thinking everything will be easy it courageously believing that there is still hope, even when things get hard" Morgan Harper Nichols Song of the day: Dream Baby Dream Bruce Springsteen

Cathedrals in my Heart

I am so glad March is helping me move (well really march) forward. I had quite the list to check off this year. To go through a drastic change, shift, pivot, whatever you want to call it. It is the biggest conscience challenge of my life. But, first off I am thankful I went through it with open eyes and have not avoided any of my responsibilities as they came up. I have faced dental work, car problems, taxes, and finding a place to live. And, I wanted to accomplish each and every one with grace. Not, only wishing for a good outcome, but getting one. Today on this Monday, I am celebrating that. I am also celebrating I am signing a year lease to be in Ocean Grove for a year. What a relief. Finding somewhere to live in a shore town during the summer is quite an accomplishment. Hopefully, during the year the real estate market will calm down, and I will be able to find a little house to buy. I know what I want, and it is achievable. But, not now because inventory is so low, and demand is very high. And, I could be just as happy renting, and not have all the worries of a home owner. The picture above is where I am going to live. I hope living there will make me as happy, as the thought of living there. My kitchen has a lake and ocean view surrounded by windows. And, this stained glass window makes me SO happy. I pass by many victorians at night with these windows and admire them. I can't believe I will live in a house with one. Stained glass windows are one of those things we take for granted. But, the color and light they bring is a feast for the eyes and spirit. And, talking about a feast for the eyes, the window next me as I am writing, is putting on a natural light show. And, with the sunrising my room is full of a golden glow. I can only imagine what the light will be like as my new apartment faces the south. So, it will change with the colors of the sunrise and sunset. I will have my own little Artist nook under the stained glass window. I can not believe I am looking forward to moving. I hate moving more then anything. But, I am really looking forward to having an unfurnished apartment to decorate and fill with my stuff. I really missed it. But, the place I am in right now was absolutely perfect for me. I only had to bring my clothes and toiletries. It was fully furnished with french decor and a stocked kitchen. But, I ended up missing my dishes. I think my dishes are my favorite pocession. I won't have the need for all of it. But, this year will give me the time to sort through what to hang on to. I had my writing class on Saturday and realize how life is moving in lightening speed. So, I want to focus more on my theme of writing about vinyl records. But, it is hard to do that, when I can't really take the time. I will be moving the whole month of April. So, hopefully I can get back on track and be more focused in my writing, as I get more settled. Quote of the day: "Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise." Maya Angelou Song of the Day: Every Teardrop is a Waterfall Coldplay I turn the music up I got my records on I shut the world outside until the lights come on Maybe the streets alight Maybe the trees are gone I feel my heart start beatin' to my favorite song And all the kids they dance All the kids all night Until Monday mornin' feels another life I turn the music up I'm on a roll this time And heaven is in sight I turn the music up I got my records on From underneath the rubble sing a rebel song Don't want to see another generation drop I'd rather be a comma than a full stop Maybe I'm in the black Maybe I'm on my knees Maybe I'm in the gap between the two trapezes But my heart is beating and my pulses start Cathedrals in my heart As we saw, woah, this light I swear you, emerge blinking into To tell me it's alright As we soar walls Every siren is a symphony And every tear's a waterfall Is a waterfall, oh Is a waterfall, oh-oh-oh Is a, is a waterfall Every tear Is a waterfall, oh-oh-oh So you can hurt Hurt me bad But still I'll raise the flag Ooh It was a wa-wa-wa-wa-waterfall A wa-wa-wa-wa-waterfall Every tear, every tear Every teardrop is a waterfall

Darkness on the Edge of Town

I love this picture of my mom and me. I shared it when I worked at April Cornell. I thought my mom's dress and my romper looked a lot like what April Cornell designs in the present day. The house we are in front of was my grandparent's house. It was a big tudor house that faced Devine Park in Spring Lake. At one time it had a doctor's office. It was a house when I passed by, I didn't understand why we didn't end up living there. And, I would ask my mom why didn't we live there? And, she gave me many reasons. It was dark inside, it used to be a doctor's office and that would be creepy, and the best excuse of all was she would have had to drive us to school. She also said my grandfather would have given her the house, but she didn't want to seem materialistic to my dad. I would ponder all of her answers and just shake my head. I just couldn't understand why she would choose the house we grew up in over this house. The house we grew up in was about the same distance from the ocean, and about six blocks south. It faced wreck pond, which became a wonderland of exploration and childhood adventures. But, the inside.....ugh! The electric was awful with one socket in each room. There was no overhead lighting. The walls were all paneling, so it was hard to hang anything. The kitchen was pathetically small with a few metal cabinets and a washer that didn't work. We didn't have a dryer growing up. And, later a dishwasher that was added that would hook up to a giant old porcelain sink with a hose. And, to get to anywhere in the kitchen we would have to roll the dishwasher from side to side. It was walled in the center of the house. I can remember a time we had a functional family room that was part of the addition they had added to the house. I found out later my mom was pregnant with me and my dad had bought the house without my mom seeing it. So, in order for us to move in my mom wanted an addition of a family room leading to their bedroom. It had a flat roof with steps that lead to a sunroof. The sunroof was never used except when we would sneak up there during the Spring Lake Height's firemen's fair to view the fireworks. The roof leaked into both of thier closets and there beautiful big bedroom turned into furniture moved to the middle and clothes in piles. The family room even had a huge ironing press, I remember my grandmother helping with this. We also had outside help until I was about eight. That would have been 1967 and that is when everything started to change. My grandparents would always spend the month of May and September in Spring Lake. They would rent that house out, except for those months. We would do a lot of preparation during that time to make sure everything was perfect for them. And, once that stopped, so did a lot of other things. My mom told me I was responsible for washing my own clothes and ironing them. A couple of years later she went on strike where she wasn't preparing meals either. She had a subscription to Ms. and Cosmopolitan magazines which I began reading, too. (I read these behind a closed door). So, at an early age I was taking care of myself. Our house began to hold a lot of secrets. Don't talk about this or that with others etc. etc. Then the shame and embarassment started when I would look how other people lived. I played outside mostly with my friends. We didn't go in each others houses too much. I remember missing a lot of birthday parties, because we traveled on weekends. So, I began looking out the car window looking at houses, and wondering what life was like for others inside their homes. Judging by what was going on as I watched the news on TV, I didn't think our life was very different then others. But, eventually there was a darkness that fell over our house. It was full of lost hopes, broken hearts, and depression. My parents were able to keep it together, but there was so much disappointment and loss of pride it just spilled on to everyone. And, we all suffered because of it. And, we all chose different paths to cope with the loss of a functioning family. We were the definition of a disfunctional family. And, all I wanted to do was run away from it. I would basically seperate myself and by the time I started working I could do that and wouldn't suffer any reprecussions. Because, that shows you are responsible and functioning. So, that was my magic trick to survive day by day. Do the best I knew how, for my own satisfaction. There was no one asking to see a report card. I was getting good grades, because I wanted to. I ended up loving school and learning, because it was my escape. If there was too much chaos in my house, I went to the library. I realized early, the more good I was, the less attention I needed. And, I was fine with that. But, the wierdest thing is I could be told how good I was, and NEVER felt I was good or good enough. I honestly didn't learn that until when I looked at my high school graduation program. My guidance counselor could tell me I was a B student and top 25% of my class and I didn't think that was good. And, I think the reason for that is, it came too easy. I really wasn't working too hard for it. So, this is leading to when I first heard the music on the Darkness on the Edge of Town record. And, the first time I heard that album I was so disappointed. I wanted something happy and hopeful. Why did this record have to be so real and depressing. But, then I realized I was feeling the record. I was feeling the words and I was really feeling the record. And, when I was alone in the house listening to this record (which was a lot). I had mentioned it was during this time my parents were in Florida. It was this time I could feel the rage and sing and yell as loudly as I wanted. I could cut it ALL lose and feel 100 times better. Because, I could let it out! I had a voice, and no one else had to hear it. I could feel better. And, that is when my journey to joy started. But, I have to say I follow the same patterns now as I did then. I am still not feeling joyful, because I still honestly feel there is something or someone who is going to pull the rug from under me. But, since I am at a time in my life I am realizing this. I truly think I am turning a corner. I am going to get there, I just know it and feel it deep inside my soul. Bad things happen but, good things can come out of it. Flowers grow in dirt, and so can I. Every cloud has a silver lining and I am finding my silver lining. I am hopeful and really excited for what this summer could be like. Last year I was feeling this way, and what happened in June ruined it. But, did it???? Quote of the day: “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” – Victor Hugo Song of the day: Darkness on the Edge of Town Bruce Springseen

The Path We Choose

Even though, last year my journey to joy came to an abrubt halt. Day by day I am still learning how find my way. I think the first thing is to celebrate the good things that have come out of the many changes my life took since June. The biggest one is freedom. And, freedom is the most tricky of anything the world give us. It is what this country was born out of. And, sadly not everyone in the world is free. I learned so much last year, and it has helped me the last few months. The biggest take I have thought about is the first thing I read in my mom's apartment after she died. She said she raised three children to be free spirits. And, I keep thinking how hard it was to be a free spirit when I was married. Then I am thinking: "am I making the most of being a free spirit, now?". And, despite the efforts I am putting in, fear always gets in my way. And, the more I am home by myself, the more time fear creeps into my way of thinking. So, this weekend I was alone enjoying the music of Light of Day and a St. Patrick's Day parade. But, I wasn't alone, I was with a lot of kindred spirits. I saw old friends and made some new friends. I danced besides my son's band. And, when they played "I want to dance with somebody". And, I wasn't sad because the words of the song say I want to dance with somebody who loves me. Because the woman I was dancing by my side kept saying to me how much she loved my son (she is married and has four children). Then as the day went through, she kept saying how much she loved me. My take away is it all about connections. But, as I age I truly believe there is a bigger picture. And, I said it to a customer yesterday. And, I swore I would write it down. But, it sounded so good then, I can't get it right now. But what I said was: We don't choose the path that takes us, it is the path that makes us. And, I know there is a spirit, well many spirits that are my guides, now. And, most of all I know I am not alone on this journey. I feel the love of something much deeper then the kind of love you feel being in a relationship. I am in the driver's seat taking the wheel and will take a u-turn, go in reverse, drive fast or slow down. But, most of all, I will be looking forward to where the path I am on leads. Song of the day: I Wanna Dance With Somebody my son's band the Ocean Avenue Stompers at the Black Swan

Quote of the day: "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Thank you for being a friend

I know I would not have enjoyed my childhood as much, if I didn't share it with friends. I also know I am natually shy and not outgoing. I know one of the worst feelings is rejection. So, I am usually not the person to call or invite. As, I am getting older I am thinking about the golden years of my life. With the loss of Betty White who was part of the television show "Golden Girls", the nostalgic feeling of getting old with friends was brought to mind. It was the wish I always had for my mother. And, a lot of my mother's friends were younger then her, but passed way before her. She had always had a group of friends to play cards, go on religous retreats or go on Atlantic City trips with. Raising my family and working I really didn't pay much attention to friendships. My really good friends from growing up shared the same attitude. Near or far or a long time would by, but we could always pick up where we left off. I think during the middle part of your life is the busiest and it is hard to find the time to play. So, when I met a woman my age while watching a sunrise, I was surprised we formed an instant friendship. And, she formed a group of kindred spirits who never met before. We have a game night every week, and it exactly what I needed. I am so grateful. It will probably be short lived, because the one thing we all have in common is we all are winter rentals. But, since I will still be here in Ocean Grove, we will keep in touch. The other part of my life I am grateful for currently is moving into a new studio apartment. I love this one with the french decor and ocean views from every window. But, the one I am moving to is unfurnished. So, every night I lull myself to sleep thinking how I am going to arrange my furniture. It is teeny tiny, but I have windows that face the south. The windows have ocean and lake views. I will not only see the sunrise, but I will see the sunset. I can't wait to see the walls turn to a golden glow. These are my golden years, and I have worked hard to start to live a life deserving to feel like my golden years. I am fighting like hell (with myself) to be a Warrior not a worrier. And, time with friends, enjoying live music, making the most of my job and enjoying the peace and quiet of my home is going to make my time golden. Time is prescious and I am not going to waste a second making it seem anything but golden. Onward! Quote of the day: Friendship is the golden thread that ties the heart of all the world. - Author: John Evelyn Song of the day: Thank You for being a Friend sung by Cher

Peace Out!

My biggest challenge this year is to have peace of mind and get a good night's sleep. My days are busy working full time. There is plenty to do on my days off. There a lot of loose ends when going through a divorce. I am happy to say I will be staying in Ocean Grove when my winter lease is finished. That is slowly giving me peace of mind. But, along with that brings the thought of moving all my belongings out of the house. Luckily, one of my favorite things to do is to feather a new nest. So, it gives me something to think about, in a good positive way. One of the harder things for me to do, lately, is to just appreciate where I am in the moment. So, starting with Fat Tuesday I made sure to not do any chores or errands and just enjoy the day. Then I decided to do that again another day, but I was going to do some cleaning and straightening of my apartment. I also wanted to paint some cards with affirmations to photograph. And, then by 10am I became frustrated, how I was going to fit all this in a day. So, I started doing laundry and put a record on. And, before I knew it I found the blue and white affirmation cards I have been photographing. After putting my clothes in the dryer I decided to take the cards to the beach and photograph all of them at the same time. I found this worn out driftwood log and started to take the photos. After taking the last shots I realized someone had written in the sand nearby. And, there it was the message I needed to see. It was a peace sign and the word OUT! Yes, I need to just peace out! Then when I looked at the final card there was a white feather in front of it. My stay here in Ocean Grove has been magical. I surprise myself with this feeling of being content. And, I am really finding the true meaning of the word spirit. At Christmas I was really giving it a lot of thought. How the word spirit is used. Good spirit, spirits as in alcohol, school spirit, spirit of Christmas, etc. And, then I thought of how the idea of spirits and ghosts are actually scarey. But, most of all I think sometimes I am afraid of being happy. Like, something or someone is going to take that away from me. It is sort of a paranoia, I think. Or sometimes I would think it was an irish way of thinking like Murphy's Law. But, whatever it is I am making an effort to overcome it. And, I am going to try to stop the overthinking and just PEACE OUT! I am privledged to be able to make choices, and I am starting to trust myself. Quote of the day: “I know this world is moving onward in all of the fastest ways, but I hope that you can still find meaning and beauty in things that come together slowly and intentionally. I hope you find the peace you need in moments unhurried, where you are reminded it’s alright to embrace the quieter days of your life.” Morgan Parker Nichols Song of the Day: What's So Funny About Peace Love and Understanding Elvis Costello

Women's Day 2022

Happy International Women's Day! I just wanted to take a blog post and sort out my feelings of being a woman on this day. There is a lot I could touch on with that being the focus. But, as this is an art blog, I will continue to find a way to have a common thread. So, last year at this time I was on a journey to joy and trying to find a path painting each day. These two little 4x4 canvases were painted the morning my marriage came to an abrupt halt. It was two days after father's day. I don't think I posted on social media for a couple of weeks after this happened. And, if I shared anything it was pictures with friends and my daughter in lavender fields or sunflower farms. I had really learned a lot about how to deal with loss at this time. And, the time outside didn't give me a sense of joy. But, it definitely gave me a feeling of peace and calm. But, during this time I was learning a lot about how I was going to navigate my future. And, at that moment, I couldn't really use my art or all the affirmations to get me through. I sort of had a feeling that I wasted a lot of time. I still didn't have a voice that was being heard. And, most of all, I knew I had more of a purpose then what I was spending each day doing. My saving grace was when I got hired for Vera Bradley. Not, only did it help my self esteem, it gave me the power financially to be able to move on and live by myself. And, then there was the giant part, which is purpose. Part of my job is holding community events and donations. And, that gives me just the feeling I need. This International Women's Day we introduce a new pattern full of hope for New Hope Girls. I love the butterflies and how it sybolizes transformation. And, I love their saying "Created for More". I have really loved sharing the affirmations on facebook and instagram. It helps me a lot, and most of all I love when someone says that is just what they needed to see. I found an Artist on instagram who has just put out a book of affirmations and was signed on to Hallmark for her cards. She is my hero today. I want to be like her!!! I hope you visit her instagram page or website. I can't wait to buy her book and cards. You can find her here: Morgan Harper Nichols. Cheers to all strong women! Carry on! Quote of the day: “When you start to feel like things should have been better this year, remember the mountains and valleys that got you here. They are not accidents, and those moments weren't in vain. You are not the same. Morgan Parker Nichols Song of the Day: Darlene Love Mountain High River Deep

Light of Day

Yesterday felt so good to be out and about. I started the morning taking a picture at sunrise with the 45 record of Light of Day. Then it was off to the Seahorse in Convention Hall for Pancakes at Bruce Brunch in Convention Hall. It was Tom Cunningham's radio show broadcast with members of the board of Light of Day. And, it was refreshing to hear and see the success of the first shows of the week long music fest. I did a little retail therapy at Carla Gizzi's and then walked over to the Wonder Bar to see my first show of Light of Day. I only made it until 4:30, but then realized I was out listening to music since 9am. The first set was my favorite because a young artist performed all Jackson Browne songs. Then it was U2, a tribute to Linda Rondstadt, and Tom Petty. It was great. When I got home I remembered Thunderoad books was doing a virtual talk with Dolly Parton and James Patterson. But, I had forgotten to sign up for it. This morning on facebook I saw the story from CBS Sunday morning. It was really inspirational. I could just feel how excited they were with the writing process and the end product. It is actually the first James Patterson book I would want to read. I have this dream of writing about Asbury Park and it's music scene. I didn't know that James Patterson was from Nashville originally. I also have a dream that Asbury Park could eventually have a music scene as strong as Nashville. Yesterday, I was seeing cover bands, but I also was standing ten feet of a writer of one of my most favorite songs. "I had the time of my life" from Dirty Dancing. So, this week is a lot of about hope. Which, honestly is really hard for me, spending so much time thinking and being alone. But, yesterday I ended up not alone, and talking to people I have missed during this time of covid. Most, spoke with a smile, and said how it was more successful then other years, which was really encouraging. These couple of years have been challenging for every single person on earth. But, I think hope is the most important ingredient for moving forward. Quote of the day: "Hope and fear cannot occupy the same space. Invite one to stay." Maya Angelou Song of the Day: Light of Day written by Bruce Springsteen performed by Joan Jett and Michael J Fox

Heart of Stone

It is during this time from my high school graduation until my birthday in 1978 my heart turned to stone. And, ironically as I went to write this, and looked to see when Heart of Stone from the Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes was released it was on 10/13/78, my birthday of that year. When this album and Darkness on the Edge of Town came out I would listen to both these albums side to side, over and over again. The songs made me feel sad and full of energy at the same time. I was broken up with the boy I was dating my Senior of high school and I still didn't understand what happened. He had given me a beautiful heart necklace with a diamond chip in it at graduation and just stopped calling me. I spent that summer trying to figure out what went wrong. I was signed up to attend Brookdale in September. But, conversations at the beach started to change, as my friends were going to attend college. And, once they all started leaving and saying their goodbyes, the darkness arrived in my life. I realized how much I didn't like being by myself. We all started writing to each other and that helped. But, those times listening to those two records were pretty dark. My parents were spending more time in Florida. My sister and brother were still trying to navigate being adults, and weren't home much. I had a friend and we shared rides to go to class, and we would start skipping classes. By, November of 1977 I quit school. When my parents came home for Christmas, I had to deliver the bad news. So, I had to pay them back the money they spent on that semester. I was working a lot at a popular restaurant. It didn't take too long to pay them back. I also had friends that didn't go to college and we were going out almost every night of the week. And, then we saw the movie "Mr. Goodbar". We were scared to death, and we mostly always stayed to ourselves when we went out. We would dance in a huddle. And, we would never leave one of us with someone we didn't know. But, this is when my trust, faith,love and hope really was put to the test. Little by little my heart was turning to stone. I was building a shield around me, I was becoming unapproachable. If I didn't already know you, I was not going to talk to you. Quote of the day: To say that a single human being, because of his birth, becomes an untouchable, unapproachable or invisible is to deny God. - Author: Mahatma Gandhi Song of the day: Hearts of Stone Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes written by Bruce Springsteen

March Forth

Well, I have been wide awake now for about four hours now. So, the urge to write is greater then ever. Today I have a lot to do, so my mind became full of thoughts of not only today, but the future. I am glad today is March fourth, because that is what I am doing. Onward.....no surrender. So, some way I am supposed to tie this in with an album. I think the album I am going to tie this in with is "This Time It's For Real" from Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes. With most of the songs written by Bruce Springsteen and Steven Van Zandt. It came out the Spring of my senior year of high school. I had it as an album. I remember buying it with my best friend and I was over her house to hear it for the first time. We had seen Southside a few times live at Monmouth Arts Center by this time. We couldn't wait for this record to come out and we had tickets to see the show that would introduce this record. We had our curling irons out and we were singing and dancing. And,we were sure the rest of the World and radio stations would embrace this album as much as they loved Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen. Well.....that didn't happen. Not, the way we expected it to. They played a lot of colleges for years. And, when I went to Bloomsburg I was happy to hear the record playing at parties. They did come out to play, but I remember I didn't even have the $9 to buy a ticket at the time. I always was working while attending college, but I had to pay for half my tuition, room and board. But, looking back, I was working real hard in every aspect of my life. As, I was always a dreamer, I really did feel "This time it's for real". It's a lot of work but, I was fulfilling my dreams of a life I wanted. I was in a relationship, even though I still felt like I was "born to run" from a loving relationship. I was in it to win it. It's hard to explain all of this, but I think when I get to the album "Darkness on the Edge of Town", I will be able to paint a better picture. But, this album brought me so much hope and joy for a bright future. It was fun music that I couldn't sit down to listen to. I always wanted to get up and dance. Last December at the Stone Pony the trombone player LaBamba put together a holiday show. It was awesome. My son played among ELEVEN horn players. I was hoping they would perform "When You Dance" from that album and they did. I still pinch myself at shows like this, because I expected music to be like it was with my parents. They had thier music and we had ours. But, so many Artists are happy to be performing while they are in their sevenites, and I really appreciate the gift they are giving us. Which is continuing to do what they love and it makes the future hopeful. Song of the Day: When You Dance Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes Quote of the Day: The Time is Always Right To Do What Is Right Martin Luther King Jr.

Let the Good Times Roll

I was SO happy to end Fat Tuesday at the RBAR in Asbury Park last night. Growing up we did the fasting and ashes on Ash Wednesday, but we really didn't know what Mardi Gras were. My sister called right as I was walking in the door. And, she is three years older then me and she even asked what is Mardi Gras? But, Lent has been a deep soul searching time for me. Forty days to look back at my past and find better ways to be a better person. I have been praying to see the light and rise above a lot of chaos. I wanted to learn how to have more of a flow, and not react to negativity as much. I just wanted to learn to roll with life, as it was coming at me. Like, each wave coming ashore, whether the sea was fierce and angry or through calm waters. I just wanted to be able to adjust my sails, and ride the waves. Most of all, I think this time in my life, I have done all this work to adjusting to my new life alone, before Lent. It is really hard to adjust to a lifestyle you have never really had before. Growing up in a family, going to college, and raising a family I didn't really live on my own before. One of the best things that happened was a childhood friend came up from Georgia for a funeral with her husband. And, she texted me the morning after the divorce agreement was signed. I really needed someone to talk to that didn't know my total situation. And, she filled me with lots of stories of the me, she knew growing up. And, it was just what I needed. Last night the same thing happened as I talked to my sister until midnight. When, my friend came there was a spectacular moonrise. And, yesterday, even though it was said to be a cloudy day, there was a beautiful sunrise. For the first time in my life I am feeling awakened to this powerful feeling of faith. As if, this is exactly where I should be at this very moment. Right before my friend came up from Georgia, I saw my son Ian's stories on Instagram from Nashville. He said he loved a song. And, it was song my friend and I used to sing together when we would here it on the radio. I asked her if she remember it, and she sure did. Last night I heard that song, and it made me feel so young and care free. I also, saw in Instagram stories how they danced to that song. I am really proud of myself to getting out of my comfort zone of attending a Country Line dance class last week. I don't see me doing this(the dancing) in the future, but I love watching people having a good time. And, that is what last night was all about. I LOVE seeing my son have a good time with kindred spirits. I love to see the owner of RBAR who is a musician play music in a restarant he has created with a New Orleans theme. Asbury Park has given a lot of people opportunities to live out their dreams. I am thankful I am here to witness it. Quote of the Day: "There is always light for those who want to see it." Amanda Gorman Song of the Day: The Carpenters "Jumbalaya" Video of Casey (owner of Rbar) and my son singing Jumbalaya at Mardi Gras celebration at Rbar