Darkness on the Edge of Town

I love this picture of my mom and me. I shared it when I worked at April Cornell. I thought my mom's dress and my romper looked a lot like what April Cornell designs in the present day. The house we are in front of was my grandparent's house. It was a big tudor house that faced Devine Park in Spring Lake. At one time it had a doctor's office. It was a house when I passed by, I didn't understand why we didn't end up living there. And, I would ask my mom why didn't we live there? And, she gave me many reasons. It was dark inside, it used to be a doctor's office and that would be creepy, and the best excuse of all was she would have had to drive us to school. She also said my grandfather would have given her the house, but she didn't want to seem materialistic to my dad. I would ponder all of her answers and just shake my head. I just couldn't understand why she would choose the house we grew up in over this house. The house we grew up in was about the same distance from the ocean, and about six blocks south. It faced wreck pond, which became a wonderland of exploration and childhood adventures. But, the inside.....ugh! The electric was awful with one socket in each room. There was no overhead lighting. The walls were all paneling, so it was hard to hang anything. The kitchen was pathetically small with a few metal cabinets and a washer that didn't work. We didn't have a dryer growing up. And, later a dishwasher that was added that would hook up to a giant old porcelain sink with a hose. And, to get to anywhere in the kitchen we would have to roll the dishwasher from side to side. It was walled in the center of the house. I can remember a time we had a functional family room that was part of the addition they had added to the house. I found out later my mom was pregnant with me and my dad had bought the house without my mom seeing it. So, in order for us to move in my mom wanted an addition of a family room leading to their bedroom. It had a flat roof with steps that lead to a sunroof. The sunroof was never used except when we would sneak up there during the Spring Lake Height's firemen's fair to view the fireworks. The roof leaked into both of thier closets and there beautiful big bedroom turned into furniture moved to the middle and clothes in piles. The family room even had a huge ironing press, I remember my grandmother helping with this. We also had outside help until I was about eight. That would have been 1967 and that is when everything started to change. My grandparents would always spend the month of May and September in Spring Lake. They would rent that house out, except for those months. We would do a lot of preparation during that time to make sure everything was perfect for them. And, once that stopped, so did a lot of other things. My mom told me I was responsible for washing my own clothes and ironing them. A couple of years later she went on strike where she wasn't preparing meals either. She had a subscription to Ms. and Cosmopolitan magazines which I began reading, too. (I read these behind a closed door). So, at an early age I was taking care of myself. Our house began to hold a lot of secrets. Don't talk about this or that with others etc. etc. Then the shame and embarassment started when I would look how other people lived. I played outside mostly with my friends. We didn't go in each others houses too much. I remember missing a lot of birthday parties, because we traveled on weekends. So, I began looking out the car window looking at houses, and wondering what life was like for others inside their homes. Judging by what was going on as I watched the news on TV, I didn't think our life was very different then others. But, eventually there was a darkness that fell over our house. It was full of lost hopes, broken hearts, and depression. My parents were able to keep it together, but there was so much disappointment and loss of pride it just spilled on to everyone. And, we all suffered because of it. And, we all chose different paths to cope with the loss of a functioning family. We were the definition of a disfunctional family. And, all I wanted to do was run away from it. I would basically seperate myself and by the time I started working I could do that and wouldn't suffer any reprecussions. Because, that shows you are responsible and functioning. So, that was my magic trick to survive day by day. Do the best I knew how, for my own satisfaction. There was no one asking to see a report card. I was getting good grades, because I wanted to. I ended up loving school and learning, because it was my escape. If there was too much chaos in my house, I went to the library. I realized early, the more good I was, the less attention I needed. And, I was fine with that. But, the wierdest thing is I could be told how good I was, and NEVER felt I was good or good enough. I honestly didn't learn that until when I looked at my high school graduation program. My guidance counselor could tell me I was a B student and top 25% of my class and I didn't think that was good. And, I think the reason for that is, it came too easy. I really wasn't working too hard for it. So, this is leading to when I first heard the music on the Darkness on the Edge of Town record. And, the first time I heard that album I was so disappointed. I wanted something happy and hopeful. Why did this record have to be so real and depressing. But, then I realized I was feeling the record. I was feeling the words and I was really feeling the record. And, when I was alone in the house listening to this record (which was a lot). I had mentioned it was during this time my parents were in Florida. It was this time I could feel the rage and sing and yell as loudly as I wanted. I could cut it ALL lose and feel 100 times better. Because, I could let it out! I had a voice, and no one else had to hear it. I could feel better. And, that is when my journey to joy started. But, I have to say I follow the same patterns now as I did then. I am still not feeling joyful, because I still honestly feel there is something or someone who is going to pull the rug from under me. But, since I am at a time in my life I am realizing this. I truly think I am turning a corner. I am going to get there, I just know it and feel it deep inside my soul. Bad things happen but, good things can come out of it. Flowers grow in dirt, and so can I. Every cloud has a silver lining and I am finding my silver lining. I am hopeful and really excited for what this summer could be like. Last year I was feeling this way, and what happened in June ruined it. But, did it???? Quote of the day: “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” – Victor Hugo Song of the day: Darkness on the Edge of Town Bruce Springseen